All the Cool Kids are Getting Their Balls Ironed

All the Cool Kids are Getting Their Balls Ironed

By Randall Vicks on June 14, 2013

You want to be a star, fella? Wish you could land the ladies like Tinseltown heavyweight George Clooney? Well good news out of Hollywood, because there's a hot new trend sweeping (ironing?) the nation, and it's set to launch a whole new era for men everywhere. No longer will we have to hide our scrotums in shame over their hideous, wrinkly appearance. No more will we be held down by society's definition of what a "beautiful" ballsack looks like. Finally, there is an answer for our prayers. It’s called "Male Laser Lift," and it’s the one and only way to get a licensed physician to take a laser to your balls (trust me, I've been asking for years).

The story has been making the rounds ever since George Clooney (the man, the legend, the smooth-sacked one himself) joked about getting his balls ironed in an interview with Esquire. Now, naturally, you can't just casually throw a million-dollar idea like that onto the net and not expect some savvy business-person to jump all over it like... well, like an iron on a scrote.


The face of a man who knows something you don't.

The totally not ridiculous procedure was dreamed up by Nurse Jamie of the Beauty Park Medical Spa, and will only cost you the perfectly reasonable sum of US $575.00. It takes about 45 minutes to complete the procedure, which (I feel I have to mention one more time) involves having lasers fired at your balls, but when you get down to it, isn't that a small price to pay for beauty, confidence, and the kind of pride you can only get from having perfect, unblemished pants-tackle? I thought so.

After all, it's like the inspiring Coco Chanel quote the Beauty Park Medical Spa has up on their website: "Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty." Just, you know, replace the word "face" with "balls."

Speaking of balls, why don't you watch Yurizan Beltran trade some fake ones for the real thing in "Playing With My Tennis Balls" (NSFW)

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