Free Flexor Video: The New Workout Penis

Free Flexor Video: The New Workout Penis

By Miles Holden on October 04, 2011



Move over Shake Weight, there’s a new player in town and the Free Flexor takes no prisoners. It is the ultimate masturbatory workout, but unlike the real thing – unless you’re ambidextrous – the Free Flexor won’t leave you with one arm grossly disproportioned to the other.

If you actually survive the embarrassment of working out with this contraption, you’ll come out the other side with a fine toned upper body…or so the commercial says. Personally, I wouldn’t trust the opinion of a bunch of muscle bound men who can only get that kind of definition from hard-core weight lifting and who don’t seem to notice they are basically simulating masturbation on film.

Ah, the things we’ll do for money.

I know, you would have to pay me a lot (uh, not really since I do it for free in the privacy of my own home on a daily basis) to keep a straight face while filming this commercial.

Putting my own masturbation aside for a moment, what I would really like to see are the outtakes from the Free Flexor commercial. I know that in stereotype land, muscle bound men aren’t always portrayed as the smartest of the bunch, but even the dimmest light bulb would have to notice that they’re working out with a pseudo-penis.  

A weirdly shaped penis, I grant you.

In fact, I’m a little jealous, if only real penises would work “at every angle” and “in every direction” us mere mortals wouldn’t have to shell out 39.95$ to feel the burn that goes “deep” and “lights [our] forearms on fire” we could just play with ourselves, as usual, and use the free equipment we were born with to build an upper body made out of stone.

Ah, if only the real world worked like that. Every man and woman would have the strength to lift a car with the sheer power of their arms… you know… because everyone masturbates so much. I just thought I’d make it clear that’s what I was ’hinting’ at, in case you all missed that.

Free Flexor equals magical masturbation wand, that is all.

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