Man Caught Having Sex With Picnic Table

Man Caught Having Sex With Picnic Table

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By Ron Ecstasy on October 07, 2011

 

 

Disgrace! Neighborhood disgrace! Sir I’m gonna tell you what everyone in the world is already thinking and saying. What you’re doing is insane.

You know how sometimes you’ll be , like, in the garage or something and you’ll find some broken piece of shit and be all, “aww man this is kind of neat I could totally use this for something, look how its barely even cracked?” This is a normal behavior, we all do this once in a while, don’t be alarmed. But if instead of say, trying to re-use that broken rake, you’re using your powers of shit appreciation to justify  boning outdoor furniture, then you have a problem.

I can imagine this poor shit standing there one night. Just after he gets done thinking about how much he hates his life our boy starts eyeing the table. ”Hmm that’s a really nice table” he thinks as he opens the screen door to the deck. “What a great deal I got on it at k-mart, so well designed and  so sleek. I think its maybe sexy, oh  it is soo hot, it’s turning me on. “ And a few minutes later he figures out the whole dick in the umbrella hole geometry and solves the equation.

Strange urges come all the time, for some it might be getting a total boner while ordering hamburgers. Or getting all wet at the thought of finishing your laundry. But most people don’t crank one out as soon as they get a little stoked in the pants. Maybe our guy has some kind of deficiency where he just can’t control his inanimately summoned boners. Or it could be he’s just so happy about having a wife and three kids that he feels the need to fuck a table.

Whatever the cause for this bizarre behavior we can take heart in one thing. The complete ease with which his neighbors are willing to alienate and humiliate him! After all, isn’t missing the point part of what being an American is all about?

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