Masturbation Month: Porn Addiction!

Masturbation Month: Porn Addiction!

By Annie Eve on May 13, 2013

Happy Masturbation Month, everyone! This fap-happy month started May 1st, and if you’re not addicted to porn and masturbating now, you sure will be by the end of May! I want you to consume as much porn as possible, and have as many amazing wanks as you can, so this article is to make sure you can jerk like a star without letting it get out of hand. (You should definitely keep it in your hand.)

As a completely unqualified sex expert, I’m going to give you some advice on how to be addicted to porn without actually being you know, a porn addict. My genius plan is to take what porn and masturbation addicts (the clinical ones who like ruin their lives) do to fuck up, and then, you know, not do that!

"Brilliant, Dr. Eve!" you exclaim.  (Gotta stress here, I’m not even close to being a Doctor unless you count that honorary degree bestowed upon me by Brazzers University. Which in all fairness, I had to masturbate a LOT to get.)

So, according to the someone with degrees in stuff like brains and wangs and thoughts (aka Sex Addiction Expert Robert Weiss), to have a real debilitating porn addiction you have to meet three criteria. I’m going to call them “Porn Pitfalls”, because that sounds a lot sexier. Alright, here we go! 

Porn Pitfall #1: “Loss of control over your behavior.”

AKA: You don’t watch the porn, the porn watches you! Cue eerie music, titties leaping at your face holding crowbars in their cleavage, your horrified expression as the titties overtake you and force you to watch the world's hottest porn stars fuck into eternity.  

Annie’s Fix: Easy! Don’t lose control. Genius!

Porn Pitfall #2: “Continuation despite significant adverse consequences.”

AKA: You’re destroying your life with all the jerkin’. You probably can’t use your dominant hand much anymore. People stopped calling. But you’re still spanking that monkey.

Annie’s Fix: Avoid consequences by not being a douche or a shut-in.  Is your wanking habit pissing your girlfriend off? That’s because you’re not sharing, you greedy bastard! Ask her which pornstars she thinks are hot. Show her Dani Daniels. Show her Phoenix Marie. Buy her a Brazzers membership. In no time your porn watching will turn into porn watching while getting mega-laid. Or are you just staying in too much? Not exercising? Then buy a treadmill and stick it in front of your computer/tv/porn-watching device and get fit while you fap!

Porn Pitfall #3: “Preoccupation to the point of obsession.”

AKA: Well that’s pretty clear.

Annie’s Fix: Wait a minute is obsession a bad thing? Because if it is I should uh, take down my latest Riley Reid fantasy. I think what they are trying to say is that while I should enjoy my obsession with Riley Reid by rubbing myself off to her sweet bod and writing about her, uh, a lot, I shouldn’t you know, not eat or avoid my friends because I’m too busy being obsessed with her. Man I’m smart!


I hope you’ve all heeded my advice, and I invite you to celebrate this month by giving yourself a friendly tug to one of Brazzers' many fine babes. Personally, I’m going to watch Valentina Nappi use her beautiful real tits on Danny D’s massive member. You should too!


NSFW Trailer: Watch Valentina Nappi in the PLIB scene “Strip Poke”

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