Masturbilia Mondays: The Lusty Legitimate History of Valentine’s Day

Masturbilia Mondays: The Lusty Legitimate History of Valentine’s Day

By Willow Monroe on February 13, 2012

You’d think with Valentine’s day being named for a saint and all, that the occasion would have some pretty pious and orthodox roots. Hah! Well guess again.

 The first thing you should know is that in fact, there is no one particular St. Valentine that the church can associate with romance and February 14th. There were numerous early Christian martyrs who happened to sport the moniker, Valentine. One of these happened to be a missionary who died in Africa on February 14th, but even the Vatican can’t recall anything significant about him, and have removed him from the Roman Catholic Calendar of Saints.

 Though various legends abound (without historical evidence), the true roots behind our modern day February 14th festivities can be located in the Roman pagan festival, Juno Fructifier. Juno is a goddess (the equivalent of the Greek Hera), who was venerated and worshipped for her rulership  over fertility and marriage. One of her handles happened to be “she who loses the bride’s girdle.”

(The Goddess Juno and her consort, Jupiter)

Dr. Leo Ruickebie, historian of all things pagan awitchy writes that:

  The 14th was the day on which young girls' names were written on slips of paper and thrown into jars to be picked out by the boys. Chooser and chosen would then be partnered for the duration of the Lupercalia festival. Such arbitrary pairings often resulted in lasting relationships.

Lupercalia proper began on the 15th of February with animal sacrifice and ritual flagellation. After slaughtering a goat and dog in the sacred grotto of the she-wolf who suckled the legendary founders of Rome, the young men would run through the streets whipping women and crops with the flayed hide of the goat to promote fertility. Archaeological evidence suggests that the Lupercalia, far from being restricted to Rome, was practiced in other cities in Italy and Gaul.


(The she-wolf that birthed the mythical founders of Rome, Remus and Romulus)

You can see that our modern day V-day cards are a similar kind of tradition to that of the ancient Roman lottery that was practiced during the festival of Juno the Fruitful. Ritual sacrifice and whipping women with flayed goat hides however, has sadly gone out of fashion. I say bring back the whips! Chocolate and flowers be damned! I for one would be pleased to put the fucking and flagellation back into mid-February.    



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