Porn vs. Coupons

Porn vs. Coupons

By Olive Day on December 07, 2010

Earlier this year Danish scientists conducted a study attempting to link eye movement and pupil dilation to the infectious excitement of coupons and porn. Although their initial findings sound like something straight out of 'The Onion' I promise that what you are about to read is 100% true and may alter your perception of the coupon book your mother holds so dear.

Research studies have shown that on the scale of one to ten, (one being the arousal you get from watching a Two and a Half Men episode and ten being exposed to an event so shocking that reaching this number is incredibly rare) individuals who were shown porn and coupons had unbelievably similar pupil dilation and eye movements. This, in theory, indicates that the same physical arousal can be reached when a person watches porn or clips coupons.

If this research is proven to be correct, the discovery of a factual link between women and their love for shopping thrifty would be all thanks to the fundamental laws of eye science.

With this news and a kinky reason for me to buy a new pair of socks makes me think... What will become of this newfound knowledge?

  1. Will Men use this sexy science as an excuse to stay at home to slam their salmons to porn instead of taking part in exhilarating foreplay a couple  can have at the supermarket chock full of voluptuous flyers, coyly hidden air miles, and really cheap prices on soup?
  2. Will I feel a little naughty when the mailman slips me a little extra junk mail into my mail slot? Will it ultimately lead to mixed signals?
  3. Are people going to start fetishizing about my mom and her big coupon book she keeps with her at all times? (Oh god. Is that why she's carrying it around? For some sick pleasure?!) 
  4. When I text about how much I saved on my designer new dress I got from Betsey to my boyfriend... Will that count as texting dirty? 

In light of this new discovery, I welcome the new age of sexual coupon deviants. It's alright. You don't have to hide anymore. I myself would prefer the exhilarating rush of flipping through the new Ikea flyer in a luxurious bubble bath burning vanilla candles or finding the last case of bargain ravioli instead of jerking it to Lexi Belles newest performance any day but hey, that’s me living my alternative lifestyle. Take it or leave it because we're here, we love coupons, get used to it!

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