Ridiculous Sex Products You Will Never Ever Need

Ridiculous Sex Products You Will Never Ever Need

By Miles Holden on October 12, 2011


Don’t get me wrong, I’m a lover of sex toys. When something can make the most wonderful thing in the world feel better than it already does it should immediately be added to your bedroom repertoire, but let’s face it, there are some ridiculous sex inventions out there and I’m not even talking about the really kinky stuff.

Nope, kinky stuff is alright in my book, but there are some sex products that really make me question the sanity of their inventors. Then again, maybe these people aren’t crazy, but are simply bored with their sex life. I hear that happens in long term monogamous relationships.

Yup, that sounds about right. I blame long term monogamists for the following ridiculous sex products (found via The Frisky).

Weener Kleener Soap

Donut shaped soap: “one size fits most men,” for those times when regular soap just won’t cut it or when you’re too lazy to wrap your hand around your dick in the shower and you need the soap to do most of the work for you.

Malibu Betty: Hair Color For Down There

I like pubes, but are there really enough women out there who still have enough of them to actually dye?

Not completely useless if you want the curtains to match the drapes (not that I care), just be careful what color you experiment with… you would want your crotch to look like Ronald McDonald’s head.


We all know sex is good for you, and sure there are a lot of health nuts out there, but does anyone really need to know how many times they thrust in and out during sex?

Artificial Hymen Kit

If you really need to go through all this trouble to prove to someone you’re still a virgin that someone might not be worth all the trouble. Besides, it’s not like every virgin bleeds on her first go around the maypole.

Comfortably Numb Deep Throat Spray

Actually, not a horrible idea; tame those god given gag reflexes! Make Linda Lovelace proud.

18 Again Vaginal Shrink Cream

Do vaginas really age all that badly? Does vagina shrink cream adversely affect parts of the male anatomy that may or may not come in contact with it?

Yeah, I doubt this product was FDA approved. I would stick with Kegel exercises if I were you…

Erectile Quality Monitor

For that moment when you’re getting really hot and heavy with your lover and you just need to know how hard your dick is before taking the next step. Led lights will let you know if your boner passes the fit for duty inspection.

Fundies: Underwear For Two

Alright, but what do you do once your both inside the same pair of underwear? Wait, I got it, this could be the sexy version of a conjoined twins Halloween costume…maybe.

Linger: Internal Feminine Flavor

If you think your vagina needs a mint, go see a doctor. If you think all vaginas need a mint, reconsider your sexual orientation.

Anal Ring Toss

A step above pin the tail on the donkey; anal ring toss is my new favorite party game. Now, if only I could find someone willing to go on all fours for me while I throw rings at their butt.

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