Top 10: Luxury Sex Toys You Could Never Afford

Top 10: Luxury Sex Toys You Could Never Afford

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By Miles Holden on November 10, 2011

10. Gold Handcuffs – 350$

Gold handcuffs! Pff, who needs them? They’re not very realistic anyhow. I’ve never seen anyone pull out gold handcuff in an episode of Law & Order. Besides, if there’s anything the cute crafty chicks that have taken over the Internet have taught me is that you can spray paint anything gold. DIY, baby!

9. Pearl Anal Beads – 430$

Two gifts for the price of one! Use ‘em and wear ‘em. Just remember to wash them before draping these pearls around your neck for a night out on the town. You wouldn’t want someone to point out you have a “chocolate” stain on your neck during an intermission at the Opera. How embarrassing?

8. Diamond Encrusted Platinum Vibrator – 3,250$

For the woman who likes it real hard. Like cut through glass hard. Vaginas are pretty much bullet proof anyhow, right? I’ve never heard a woman ask anyone to be gentler with her lady parts… Oh wait, I think I just made that up. Someone should hire a fact checker around here. You, intern, get on it!

7. Masturbation Mirror – 1,598$

Who doesn’t like to take a little peek at themselves while they’re enjoying a good ol’ session of self-love, but I’m pretty sure you could get a similar mirror at the Dollar Store for like, uh, a dollar.

6. Animal Masks – 450$

Wait animal masks are sex toys? Damn, does that ever re-write my childhood. Playing dress-up isn’t just for kids anymore, now you and your lover can literally sniff each other out like (mechanical?) dogs.

Do androids dream of electric sheep? Yes, yes they do.

5. Gold Tickler – 4,506$

Marabou feathers and 18 karat gold? Sign me up. Oh wait, never mind. I’ll just pluck the feathers off the dead pigeon I saw on my way into the office this morning and hot glue them to my grandmother’s engagement ring. What did I say earlier, oh ya, DIY, baby! Works every time.

4. Sterling Silver & Cherry Wood Spanking Rod – 3,066$

What happened to regular old wooden paddles? I think I should change the direction of my career. Maybe start making luxury sex toys. I could go outside and cut down that oak tree right now and make a nice little profit. I’m sure my landlord wouldn’t mind. You, intern, stop testing diamonds out on your privates and fetch me an axe.

3. The Thrill Hammer – 2,000$

Remember when I said men weren’t afraid of vibrators anymore? I lied. This bad beast scares the shit out of me. This is what nightmares are made of, kidding, almost. I know there are a lot of sex machine fans out there, but this is precisely the piece of equipment you don’t want to see when kidnappers take off your blindfold.

2. Gold Plated Prostate Massager – 990$

For the anal loving snob in all of us! They even come with a pair of gold cufflinks. Who could pass up the change to wear a symbol of P-Spot love on their sleeves? NO ONE. Especially, at such a friendly price.

1. Horse Tail Silver Butt Plug – 3,475$

If I could afford this, I would buy it. That’s right, your old buddy Miles over here would buy himself a horse tail silver butt plug. Come on now, it’s a motherfucking horse tail! Make it white and throw in a unicorn headdress and I would never let my “girlfriend” take it off.

(Pictures: from Cracked.com)

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